First Southern Open Mic!

Editor's Note: This entry was originally written on Oct 2, 2009. Stay tuned for more of Roman's lost entries!

Ideally I would finish the hitchhiking story or go back and talk about Texas or Arkansas (oh man we have a while to go).

But just a few notes about tonight.

I performed at an open mic I’d heard about from a new friend in Little Rock. The place was only a few blocks form our hostel which is great since we don’t have a car and Memphis isn’t the safest city to get around in.  At its peak I would say there were about 25 people in there.

I don’t know how long my set was, doesn’t feel like more than 4-5 minutes, we’ll see… but there reached a point where the whole room was silent and people were looking at me. and I was like, whoa!  These people I don’t know are all fucking listening to me!  I better say something good!

And I was totally open about everything, which I guess I’d been planning on for a while.  And it was fine.  Maybe it took a while to sink in, but there I said it, that I transitioned (which I’m sure feels like old news) and that I don’t identify as one gender or the other.  And that was… ok. And people shook my hand afterward and thanked me.   I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t feel safe, but there was this tension beforehand and I wondered if some people might be hostile. But you can be yourself and honest even in a situation where you feel like you might not be accepted.

And I led in with my feelings about togetherness and open mics and I talked about survival and tried to make it as universal as possible, how I believe everyone has something to say and share with the world.

Open mics, man.  They are churches of sorts.  I ended up hanging out a bit after, met some cool guys, who smoked us up, had some good chats about how fucking ridiculous the world is and we feel like we don’t fit in.  It was like New York in that respect. 

I love open mics and I feel I can trust people who are drawn to this setting, because those who feel the need to perform---(whether it be poetry, or music, spoken word, comedy, etc etc) I feel like (and this is my opinion) that people do it because they want to be heard. With everything we are given to watch and see and read there is something else that WE need to say that we’re not hearing.  And if you go to an open mic (or do a show) you’re getting on stage and you’re telling your truth and seeking approval. Because usually it’d be too
frightening to do that in waking life.

And that’s pretty awesome.  Because anyone who can bear their soul and wants to say something NEW means they are thinking outside the box, they are creating new ideas. And anyone who has new ideas a) is ok in my book and b) is a friend of mine because they are also tired of this “fake” world we assume we have to adhere to/obey.

Congregations

Editors Note: This was originally written on September 28th but due to a mixup in our blogging process, was never posted. Stay tuned for more of Roman's lost posts! 

If i was a better person I’d stay in little rock and open up an improv theater.

Rent is cheap and there is never any traffic. But as this is not enough to keep me here i’ll leave it as an open invitation to anyone who is up for it.  There’s a troupe here but they are not currently performing.

I get the sense that people are looking for more things to do, maybe other ways to connect. or maybe it could just be another outlet for those who usually spend their time being overtly sexual with strangers. Being overtly sexual with scene partners is somehow easier to take because we can pretend it’s not real.

I’m excited about going to Memphis as i was just told there was a really good thursday night open mic there. I’m getting a bit antsy as I haven’t “performed” for a while. I spoke for a few minutes at a GSA at SMU, but it’s not quite the same although there are similar attributes to having a bunch of people listen to you and wanting to get a message across.

What I have come to realize are the similarities between churches and theaters. At some theaters (or the ones where I hang out/perform) there is a variety of people who get up on stage and at the churches, while there might not be as many people getting up, there have been a few different voices speaking. and everyone who is part of this shared space, and there is a common goal.

I’m not religious and admittedly I was standoffish at first, but it’s been getting easier to be in these settings. One could very well call the magnet, under St. Marks and Bowery (where I spend most of my time in New York) as churches of sorts, just as churches could be seen as theaters. I could see where this might be offensive to people on both sides, but below the surface: people gather at these places at the same time, to connect, to see friends, to be heard, to be inspired.

At the very root i feel like there is a similarity.

It’d be easy to find the differences, but especially with the last church we were at, I felt so much love. which is the main reason I hang out at the theaters back home. Micah and I were greeted with so much kindness, hugs and people wanted to connect with us. Finding love in a completely new (unexpected) place makes the world feel a lot more warm. Especially in places where I assumed I would feel like I wouldn’t belong and/or be accepted.

I still miss getting on stage though. and it could be my ego, it could just be that I’m far more quiet offstage than on. I do want to be heard, but i just want to make sure people are listening.

Looking at Each Other

It’s taken me a while but I’m finally feeling at peace again.

I was freaking out for a bit as I am prone to do.  Maybe it doesn’t show but chances are if you get to know me you will see it happen. Feels a lot worse than it looks.  My mind will play tricks on me, something negative, a fear about what I might miss or feeling unwelcome contrary to the evidence. I’ll feel all twisted and uncomfortable, I can’t be present. but then it stops and it feels like it was all a bad dream.

I’m settling in and I feel like I’ve been away from New York for months, though it hasn’t even been a week. The great thing about this is realizing exactly how much I love my home--and it has become that--my home. I never really thought I’d want to move away, but at times the city can get frustrating and overwhelming, everyone moving so fast and not sure exactly why. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And it’s not just NY I guess--but everything, because that city is a part of the world. It’s all part of the same thing.

I see all these new people and they look like and remind me of people I already know, so I love them instantly.

I wonder how people read me and I guess we’ll never know how people see us. But hopefully if they let me look them in the eye they will feel a connection.  And while they may never know me (who knows us?) they will see themselves. Regardless of whether or not they believe in gender (and identify as one or several or none at all), they will see a kind soul.  Because that is exactly what I look for.

As I do not want to be seen as a particular gender, I wonder if others feel the same. At the root I just want to be loved, so whatever leads to that I’ll take.

I wonder if we can spread so much love that the fear and judgment within us will eventually disappear or at least decrease. I think that is all that is standing in the way of peace.

justly named airports

Roman’s First Video Blog

what do we take with us?

packing up stuff - mostly just syringes and T and clothes.  That’s it really.  I’ll have my computer and camera, my glasses.  Journals. And that will be it.  Makes me wonder what we actually need to survive. And why we have so much stuff.

But a freegan rant for another time.

Going to the south for the first time ever, and part of me is nervous but overall i’m very excited. i was hoping to check out open mics down there if things work out and i’m wondering if stealthness will come into play. i have a problem keeping my mouth shut, so we’ll see how long it lasts and if it’s even necessary.

i feel fortunate that passing has come easy and i want to speak for those who are still struggling and/or do not have the opportunity.  not in a “i’m gonna speak for you” selfish kinda way, but in a “i will take your struggle with me so the world will be better for everyone.” kinda way.

But i wonder if people see me and read me as a presumably white, straight (in what universe?) male, if maybe the words i say may be easier to take, than if i were to deny those labels. because right now i identify as a spirit in a body, free of race, religion, sexual orientation, nationality, gender. i am the same as everyone else, my body is just my body. until we realize we’re all the same nothing is going to improve.

but a zen rant for another time.

Having the ability to assimilate or go under cover has its advantages, i suppose.  i want to mirror whoever is in front of me. it’s natural to feel more at ease with people we identify with, if only we all could identify with EVERYBODY.   maybe it’s a pipe dream, but i’m too bored/frustrated with the way things are to think any different. either we’re all in this together or not, there is no in between.

this can be difficult as sometimes it’s hard to get on the same page as someone. i am reminded of the philadelphia gay pride parade when i had to be literally pulled away from someone who was protesting on the side (bullhorn and all) saying gays were child molesters just as the queers with kids contingent started marching down the street.

i assumed this person was probably hurt as a child and inadvertently taking it out on others by doing what they thought was helping, but even my mere suggestion that not everyone believes in the god this person was talking about set them off.

obviously i’m not going to be looking for any trouble, quite the opposite. and new york isn’t exactly free of racism, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, classism, xenophobia, etc. etc. because i guess no matter where you are everyone has bias, but all i can change is my own, so i guess going somewhere i know little about is a good place to start.