What I learned from my 30-day prayer challenge.

Hello, Sanctuary Collective. So, in February I wrote passionately about my prayer life and my challenge to you to pray every day with me. It was my intention to write back to you the first Monday in March and report back on whether or not I had successfully met my own 30-day prayer challenge. Well, you know what they say about good intentions, right? So, here it is, the middle of May, and I am finally writing again, and this time it’s with a revelation I’ve had about prayer. This is going to sound heretical, but I realized over the course of my practicing that there is such a thing as too much prayer. Yes, I said it. Too. Much. Prayer.

Let me be clear about this, what started happening to me over the course of my month of prayer was that I started praying all the time for and during all kinds of things. Something good happened? Prayer. Something bad happened? Prayer. Joy? Prayer. Anxiety? Prayer. Prayer? Prayer. Phew!  At this same time I was having a lot of anxiety about my new job. I teach 4^th Grade, and every day is a new adventure, to put it mildly. Oftentimes I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking about lesson plans, discipline, etc. So naturally, since I was in this intense period of daily prayer, I figured that praying at all those moments was the thing to do. In retrospect, it wasn’t.  Or at least not the kind of praying that I was doing, which involved me saying, either out loud or in my head, lots of words. I would lie in bed, filled with anxiety, asking God to take the anxiety away, praying for the needs of others, giving glory to God, or saying some of my favorite memorized prayers – the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary, the Prayer of St. Francis. Nothing would work. The anxiety would heighten, the doubt would increase. Sounds pretty awful, right? It was. I should have blogged about it.

One night, I decided “To Hell with this! I’m not going to pray, I’m just going to clear my mind and lie here.” I had a moment of guilt about this, but as I intentionally cleared my mind and lay on my bed, the anxiety passed and I fell into a deep, restful sleep. I tried this for a few days in a row. I didn’t pray all these grand prayers before I went to sleep at night or when I awoke in the middle of the night and two things happened. One, I fell right back into a restful sleep when I did awaken, and two, I stopped waking up in the middle of the night! Again, I was still having a little guilt about this, as it seemed to be the opposite of praying and felt a little bit like I was turning away from conscious contact with God, and that I was benefitting from it.

Sometime over that week, I was reminded about a story I was told about Mother Theresa, whose life, works, faith, and doubt inspire me incredibly. According to the story, Mother Theresa was asked what sort of prayers she said daily. She said she didn’t “say” prayers daily. The interviewer asked her what she did when she prayed, and she said, “I listen.” The interviewer, thinking he was going to get a good quote out of her, asked, “Ah, so what does God say to you when you’re listening?” And Mother Theresa replied, “God doesn’t say anything. God listens.”

And so now, when I go to sleep at night, I turn off the radio, I turn off the music, I turn it all off, and I listen. I listen to God. I listen for the still, small voice. I have yet to hear it. Instead, what I hear is God listening. 

On Family

This weekend, I said goodbye to my brother as he left to go back to Chicago after staying with me for three weeks here in Brooklyn.

It was absolutely marvelous to have him here as he took classes in Manhattan to become certified to teach English as a second language. We cooked familar dishes, watched cartoons, and drank and talked late into the night about whatever came to mind. He also got to see me interact with my other family - queer and trans folks taking care of each other.

During the time he was here, we hosted a baby shower for our friends (who should be having a baby any day now!), had a young trans guy from Canada crash on our couch for a few days, sent Leo and Brian out to Michigan to film and had them come back again, and continued to have Thursday night Community Nights for Sanctuary Collective. It was very special to me to have a member of my family of origin interact with my chosen family. And it got me thinking about how important all of you are to me.

My family is not just local - I love knowing a good handful of the people who comment on progressive Christian blogs patiently and angrily when racist or heterosexist stuff gets said, or recognizing the names in press releases about direct actions or campaigns. Sure, sometimes it feels like there is only a small handful of us doing this work, but it can also be so nice to get on gchat with someone across the country to debrief our reactions before formulating responses.

Thank you, all of you, for the big and small things you do every day to challenge and change the world. And thank you for supporting me while I do the same.

The Things That Sustain Us

As I am settling more into the reality of making Sanctuary Collective a large part of my daily life, I'm finding it important to seek out things that sustain me.

One of those things that gives me a lot of energy and push is talking with other queer and trans folks about their experiences growing up in similar faith traditions, and their subsequent experiences processing and/or reclaiming that faith.

There's just something about sitting down over coffee and laughing about being afraid that the rapture had happened anytime I walked into an empty room as a child that is so therapeutic for me. After the conversations sometimes I find it difficult to even remember the details, I just walk away feeling tired and refreshed.

I remember the first person I talked to that I felt really Got It. His name is Angel, and he's now one of my good friends (and on the Sanctuary Collective Prayer Team!). When I first met him, honestly, I was a bit wary. I was a clean-cut Christian school kid, and he had lots of visible tattoos and piercings. I was silently struggling with my gender, and he was the first openly trans masculine person I'd ever met. I was nervous and skeptical. But when he opened his mouth, and I heard that all-too-familiar and comforting North Carolina accent (the northeast often feels a long way from home for me), and heard him talking about how much he loves Jesus, I was floored. I clung to that sense of sameness that I felt with him, and started myself down the long journey of figuring out what I wanted to do about my own gender identity.

The next person I felt that sense with was Peterson (who has written down some amazing and profound thoughts about Lazarus for us). I first met Peterson face to face at a training, but I was familiar with him before that through a documentary called Fish Can't Fly. The documentary was the first one I'd watched about LGBTQ Christians, and while I was watching it, I met other queer folks from Eastern for the very first time. So I was kind of starstruck, actually - Peterson was (and is!) A Big Deal in my world. I was in a really fragile place at the time - coming to terms with my identity was proving to be a long and arduous process - and when I heard Peterson speaking about his experiences with faith, I knew he Got It. The language he used and the ways he explained things were familiar and comforting to me, and something inside me exhaled for the very first time.

These experiences (and many more like them) are essentially why I do the work that I do, and why I do it in this way. I have these conversations because I need to have them. I share what I've gone through because it's an experience too many other people like me can relate to. I talk about how it's possible to keep your Christian faith and be excited about who God has created you to be because I need to be reminded.

And in the process, other people's tears and other people's laughter are validating to me. They give me permission to say that this has been hard and that this has been ridiculous. They sustain me.

What sustains you? How can you make sure you have that in your work and in your life? It's not a rhetorical question - I want to know! Share with me and each other in the comments if you'd like.

Some thoughts on prayer, and a prayer challenge to you

Let me start out by saying that I am no authority on prayer. What I am is a person traveling through this world endeavoring at the best times to do good, and at least to do no harm. What I know is that starting my day off with prayer makes me feel better and more centered and allows me to move forward in a way that is obviously lacking when I just get-up-and-go in the morning, without prayer. And I'm not talking about a quick Pater Noster as I brush my teeth, I'm talking about some quiet reflective time where I talk to God, with God, or at God followed by some time listening.

So, how does it work? Well, the Rev. Abbie Huff, who was an intern at Marble Collegiate Church last year, gave me this formula for prayer that I try to use whenever I pray. It seems a pretty standard order of prayer from what I've heard and read online, but it was she who introduced it to me. The initials are A.T.C.I.P. and they stand for adoration, thanksgiving, confession, intercession, and petition. In a nutshell, they mean this:

• Adoration - This is when I talk about how great, wonderful, glorious, and holy God is. For example, "Oh gracious, loving, and merciful God, Creator of us all, You are the source of everything and Your love endures forever." 
• Thanksgiving - This where I thank my maker for whatever's on my mind. E.g., "I am thankful to You for another day on this planet. Thank you for this job that you've allowed me to take, for the gift of music that you've bestowed upon me, and for the love of my friends and family."
• Confession - I am not perfect, and here's what I've done. "God, I have missed the mark in so many ways. I raised my voice at my 4th Graders ... again. I gossiped about my neighbor. And, Lord, you know the sins I have committed in my heart that I am unwilling or unable to say aloud right now."
• Intercession - I intercede on others' behalf and ask God to help them. "Merciful Creator, please bring your healing mercies upon the people of Haiti, that they may recover from the earthquake and rebuild their lives and their society better than they were before."
• Petition - I ask God for what I need. "Lord, you know better than I do what I need. I ask that you help me see clearly the path I am supposed to take in the classroom. Give me strength, Lord, to have compassion and love in all circumstances. And please, God of Grace, help me to want what I have that I may be content where I am and willing to serve You."
  • I ask all of these things in the name of Jesus the Messiah. Amen.
• Following this, I like to sit and meditate for awhile, to just sit in silence with God. It's actually quite difficult. My mind races, my thoughts waver, I start thinking about the day ahead. But I try, to the best of my ability, to sit still for a few minutes with my head cleared for God to come in.

Now ... the question is ... do I do all of these things everyday? NO! On far too many days I hit the snooze button one-too-many times and then by the time I've gotten out of bed I barely have enough time for a shower and a bowl of cereal. Some days, when I kneel down to prayer (oh, yes, on my best days I pray on my knees) the best I can do is say the Lord's Prayer a few times and ask God to bring me safely to the end of the day. Sometimes, I don't feel inspired enough to kneel, so I lie down on the floor and just say "Help me!" The point is that any one of these prayers is a better way to start my day than no prayer at all, but I feel the most tranquil and focused when I make the time for the whole nine yards: get up, wash my face, kneel down, ATCIP, meditate. 

So here is my prayer challenge to you ... will you join me in a month of prayer? Set your alarm 15 minutes earlier everyday and wake up and start your day with prayer. I will make an honest effort to wake up 15 minutes earlier everyday (that means 6:15am EST M-F with more leeway on the weekends) and pray and meditate. Post your comments below and let me know how it's going for you, or email me at matthew@sanctuarycollective.org. I'd love to hear what your prayer practices are and how a month of prayer is going for you. 

I'll let you know how my month went when I post again on March 1.

Yours, 
Matthew Beams
Matthew 5:16