how do you stay true to yourself in a completely new environment?

micah and i had to change planes in houston. when i looked at my boarding pass, which had the full name of the airport — houston-bush int’l. i got very angry. granted i had not slept in 20+ hours, but i think i would have been upset nonetheless. “it’s a joke, right?” i asked. hours later after settling down on our flight from houston to austin i told myself the airport was really named after kate bush. sometimes you just have to make things up for the world around you to make sense.

and here i am, in Texas, for the first time in my life. Day 2 and it already feels like it’s been forever. I’m trying to be fully present. Yesterday I was extremely sleepy as I’d stayed up with friends until going to Micah’s house to leave for our 8am flight. as soon as the trip started i shut down.

i fell asleep on both flights, at friends’s house in austin on the couch (sitting up) in the middle of conference calls, in the car, back at the apartment at which we’re staying (on the air mattress). and then last night after we got home from a rosh hasahana party (which felt great to be at) i slept so fuckin well. my first solid night of sleep since maybe friday. i dreamt about sex and death, because well, what else is there to think about really?

I spent the last three nights before I left with groups of friends as if somehow I could save up enough of their energy and love to keep with me for the next month and a half. Something weird happens when you’re in a new place; it’s as though you can feel the distance. there are friends i have in new york who i haven’t seen in months, yet knowing that they were no more than say, five miles away, it didn’t feel so bad. but now i really feel it. is it the safety? the history? is it all an illusion? i’m still not by their side, but if i wanted to be it would be a struggle. maybe it’s the possibility of being close to them that seems harder to believe.

i’ve met quite a few new people already but it takes awhile for me to let my guard down, also we’ll be moving along in a couple days, so maybe there is a fear of getting close to people and then having to say goodbye. but that can happen anywhere.

it’s gotten to the point now with some people in my life where we just say “i love you,” to each other, over and over, because there is nothing else to say. i guess maybe that’s part of the reason to leave for a little bit, find more people to love.