Looking at Each Other

It’s taken me a while but I’m finally feeling at peace again.

I was freaking out for a bit as I am prone to do.  Maybe it doesn’t show but chances are if you get to know me you will see it happen. Feels a lot worse than it looks.  My mind will play tricks on me, something negative, a fear about what I might miss or feeling unwelcome contrary to the evidence. I’ll feel all twisted and uncomfortable, I can’t be present. but then it stops and it feels like it was all a bad dream.

I’m settling in and I feel like I’ve been away from New York for months, though it hasn’t even been a week. The great thing about this is realizing exactly how much I love my home--and it has become that--my home. I never really thought I’d want to move away, but at times the city can get frustrating and overwhelming, everyone moving so fast and not sure exactly why. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And it’s not just NY I guess--but everything, because that city is a part of the world. It’s all part of the same thing.

I see all these new people and they look like and remind me of people I already know, so I love them instantly.

I wonder how people read me and I guess we’ll never know how people see us. But hopefully if they let me look them in the eye they will feel a connection.  And while they may never know me (who knows us?) they will see themselves. Regardless of whether or not they believe in gender (and identify as one or several or none at all), they will see a kind soul.  Because that is exactly what I look for.

As I do not want to be seen as a particular gender, I wonder if others feel the same. At the root I just want to be loved, so whatever leads to that I’ll take.

I wonder if we can spread so much love that the fear and judgment within us will eventually disappear or at least decrease. I think that is all that is standing in the way of peace.